I’ve been feeling strange recently. Strange in the best and beautiful of ways. The persistent negative self-talk that had tormented me through most of my life has taken the backseat. The years and decades of neurotic thoughts of comparison, judgement, depression, anxiety and the feeling of not being good enough has, for the most part, melted away. It created an opening for a calm, confident presence to take the helm. A presence that isn’t worried and concerned about what other people think or neurotic with self-doubt. A presence that is okay with being human- okay with self-limitations, being wrong and asking for help. A presence that is brutally honest with itself.
What caused this deep shift in being and presence, you ask? One word: Meditation.
I know, you’ve heard it before – the importance of meditation and how it is a must. That’s okay, you don’t have to believe me, but I want you to take a moment for yourself to slow down and put down any preconceptions you might have about it and listen to what I’m about to say next. My short story of what happened was so drastic that I simply could not ignore it.
I began meditating in 2015. I meditated daily for an entire year and half, yet nothing seemed to happen. Sure, I felt slightly more calmer and more emotionally centered, but I still had this nagging voice in the back of my head. I doubted myself. I hated myself. Inside, I’ve always felt inadequate and incomplete. All of this, mind you, even when I was meditating everyday.
So, what happened when I stopped meditating 7 months ago? Honestly, nothing. I did not notice a difference… at least, not until I recently resumed my practice, but this time, in different light.
This time instead of trying to ‘get’ something from the practice, I let go. I let go and I realized the simple beauty of practice. The soft, warm breath going in and out of my nostrils. The pressure of the floor against my butt, sitting on the ground. The eternal present moment. I stopped practicing to change or improve, and began practicing for practice sake. When I stopped grasping for results and outcomes, and stopped meditating because of duty and routine, when I put down my expectations and focused solely on the present moment, my entire outlook, being and presence changed.
When I surrendered, I won.